I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
