I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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