..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
