Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
is it fun? or sober?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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