he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
