I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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