a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just want to make out with him forever
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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