I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
