i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
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The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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