why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
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Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
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But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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