dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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