remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
