they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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