i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
