I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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