genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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