Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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