I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
