I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
