I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
