When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So I just went to clothing optional bar
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
