I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Randomize
