How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
