I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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