Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
