If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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