Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
