i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
