Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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