I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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