If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
