Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
