i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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