I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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