could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
