Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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