I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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