Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
