too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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