You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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