I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
