I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
