im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
