She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
it was like his penis was on wheels.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
