I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
