Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
