I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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