Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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