i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
