I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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