It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
