I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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