The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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