I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
