What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
