The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
FUCK WHALES
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
