My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
