maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It's never too late to be topless.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
