Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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