There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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