I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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