so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
