i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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