I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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