I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
