Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
